I feel like my life has been an overall lucky one up until now. I’m the one that wins the lottery scratcher out of the group, the one that has had certain things fall into her lap, the one that wins door prizes and raffles.  But I am definitely not winning the war against infertility.

The embryology lab called today as I was driving home from school. Thankfully, our class had been released early today because those big, fat tears would have been pretty hard to hide from my 14 testosterone-producing classmates. Out of the three eggs that fertilized normally, two didn’t grow at all and the last one is slowly growing but doesn’t look promising. They are going to give that one an additional day to see if it improves. If not,  we are left with zero. Nothing. Nada.

I know that phone call wasn’t an easy one for the embryologist to make.  I definitely held myself together on the phone — even told her to have a good day.  I was numb. Empty. Feeling like a barren old soul that waited too long to enter the race to parenthood.

There is a Facebook group for the clinic that I’ve found some solace and support in, along with a few close friends that I know have struggled with this journey, too. I’ll admit, it is really hard to see pregnancy, birth, happiness, and joy around me when they are all things that are out of my reach, no matter how hard I try.  Facebook is great and man, I am seriously in love with all of the photos, videos, and quips that everyone is posting about their families — but it is often just a reminder of things that I can’t have.

Adoption is becoming a bigger reality, which is fine. I know quite a few families that have adopted and are flourishing. That process, though, is going to be extraordinarily difficult with our looming move to Korea. Adoption definitely doesn’t happen overnight, nor is it any cheaper than another round of IVF.

I start the next round of medication tomorrow. More shots, more pain, but hopefully better results. Please pray for us. This part of our lives is one that we’ve kept to ourselves for two years now. I can’t keep it in any longer.  If you are experiencing infertility, or have gone through rounds of IVF, please feel free to share any words of wisdom. We could use it right about now.

2 thoughts on “Devastated

  1. It’s a tough journey and I’ve been there more than once. I will tell you that our IVF journey had it’s first success in Korea (we had lost hope prior to), only spending about 8k total. Cha Gangnam is where Tricare sent us. Whether or not to continue trying is definitely something you and your spouse have to put a lot of thought into because, as you know it takes a toll on your body and emotions. Good luck!


    • Leslie — thanks for sharing. I’m already starting to gather information about our options in Korea, so knowing the location of at least one clinic is definitely helpful! Glad to hear that you were ultimately successful in your journey. Hoping that we end up with the same type of results!


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