Choosing half of your child’s DNA

While we continue to count down the days until we officially know if we are pregnant or not, let’s talk about an issue that a few of you have been curious about……

“Swipe right, he’s cute!”……….
“Ugh, left – too much heart disease!”……….
“Right, Right!!!!!!”

Tinder possibilities, you might ask?  No, but that is exactly how I felt while trying to pick our perfect sperm donor.

There are many different types of sperm donors out there.  Some are known donors — friends — that are willing to assist.  We had plenty of generous offers from close friends, but, as nice and convenient as that would have been, Mama M and I decided against it.  That left us with using a sperm bank.  One of the largest banks in the United States is California Cryobank.

So, while sipping wine one Friday night a few months ago, Mama M and I searched…….and searched…….and searched.  He had to be perfect — heck, he was contributing to half of our children’s DNA!  I will say that an advantage to using a sperm donor (versus the spouse found in a heterosexual marriage) is that you can seriously weed out characteristics that you don’t like:

“Did you have to wear braces or are your teeth naturally straight?”
“Did Uncle Lenny die of a heart attack at age 40?”
“Do you have a serious lack of math skills?”

Items that you would normally accept from your spouse can now disappear as you pick your ideal match!

So, how did we do it?  What parameters did we use?

When it came time to finding a donor to match up with Mama M’s eggs, we tried to find someone that reminded us of me.

  • 5’11” or taller
  • brown or blonde hair
  • green or blue eyes
  • 50% Irish and 50% Eastern European
  • Book smart / nerdy
  • No need to have a history of being a star athlete (our kids will get enough of that from Mama M!)
  • Grandparents that lived into their 90’s
  • A donor that was open to replying to contact from any future offspring.
  • CMV Negative (This one was actually the most important.  Cytomegalovirus is a virus that most adults have been exposed to at some point or another in their life.  Most often, it feels like the common cold.  Once you have it, you have antibodies for it that can pass through bodily fluids.  After testing, it was discovered that I don’t have the antibodies for it.  If our sperm donor was CMV+, I could develop CMV during pregnancy.  I’d feel fine, maybe congested.  Our baby, though, could have severe birth defects….)

Using those qualifications, we were able to narrow the field of over 400 donors down to 4.  At this point, Mama M gave me the freedom to choose whatever one “spoke” to me.  I delved deeper into the information available — and boy, was there a ton.  Childhood photos, likes/dislikes, academic testing scores, health/occupation information for siblings, uncles/aunts, grandparents, parents, cousins, etc.

The last guy on my list was it.  He was it.  He made me laugh — deep, belly laughs — as I read sections of his profile.  Under “Express Yourself” — a section normally dedicated to a story/poem written by the donor, this guy wrote that he wasn’t necessarily artistic, but that he would use the space to list out additional traits:

– I have no sense of direction
– I am kindhearted
– I have never been more than 10 pounds overweight
– I believe that I am of (at least) above average intelligence.
– I love parentheses (they’re great)

He then went on to talk about his love of writing, public speaking, and working with machines.  Oh, and how his grandfather was a college art professor — and wrote a book that was regarded as the “Sculpture’s bible” in its day.

This, amongst many other tiny details, got me hooked.  I loved this guy — a guy that I had never met, but that was going to become an incredibly large part of the rest of my life.  In addition to being a great physical writer, he was literally going to write the next chapter in the book of my life.

So, cheers to you, Donor #XXXXX.  You have given me hope and excitement at a time when I thought that losing my genetic identity in my offspring would be devastating.  No matter what circumstances motivated you to donate (financial? kindness? etc?), I thank you.

……………….

Now, can Sunday get here so that we can get the official word on whether or not I’m pregnant?  I don’t feel any different at this point which makes me pause just a little bit.  But, maybe that is just our little peanut giving me a break before the onslaught of morning sickness!

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